Codpiece Diary Entry #1068

LitReactor have this comp going: write a journal entry from the point of view of your favorite villain or antagonist. It’s a Flash Fiction kinda thing and it got me thinking about some of the really awful comic book villains. I came across ‘Codpiece’and reckon it has to be one of the most bizarre ideas for a comic book character. I mean, just look at him!Codpiece-1 His ‘power’ is a home made codpiece = cock cover, complete with weapons, that he built after repeatedly taking women’s brush-offs to his advances the wrong way. He thought he was being ‘rejected’ because of the size of his – ahem – penis, when that was never really the case. They only ever wanted to be rid of him, because he was a dick—not because of the size of his dick…Anyway, here’s my journal entry:

Codpiece Diary Entry #1068.

Dear Diary,

Yesterday while watching old security films from my collection of all my former exploits—again—I suddenly realized how stupid I looked! No, not from wearing the Codpiece dear diary! Damn! Why is it that everyone must mock a man with a multi-weapon cock-cover?

Anyways, as I’m sitting there watching myself blast away bank doors with my Codpiece Canon; cutting chicks hair with my Codpiece scissors just to make them cry; drilling through bank safes with my Codpiece drill (man that always felt vibratingly good!); and punching out cops with my Codpiece boxing gloves—Hefty Lefty! Mighty Righty! Hefty Mighty Double Punch! — I realized what was missing. Sitting there watching all these films of me at my mighty finest, I suddenly saw what was separating me from being up there with the best-est ever Super Villains:

A high-speed multi-pumping Codpiece semen-shooter! Yeah! Now THAT would have been my equivalent to Magneto’s magnetism! Imagine the great one-liners I could’ve shouted out with my Codpiece semen-shooter on!

“Take that, bigger-penis-than-me, manly man-type man!”

“Dare laugh at me, over-sized-vagina-woman in search of a normal sized penis or bigger?”

And then SHOOT-SHOOT I’d cover them with sprog from my Codpiece semen-shooter! He-he! With the Codpiece semen-shooter added to my armoury dear diary, I would’ve been up there with the Joker, with Bane. Or at least with Arm Fall Off Boy… Yes, dear diary, then I would’ve been a Super Villain! How stupid of me not to have thought of this before!

Only problem would’ve been filling the thing with semen…if only my balls were as big as my SUPER BIG PENIS! Then I could’ve filled it with my own sticky wee-wees. Damn…tell me diary, how hard is it to milk a male elephant?

{Word count: 295 words including title}

Check out Comic Vine‘s bio on Codpiece for more info on this weirdo comic book villain. Or their video, Everything You Wanted To Know About Codpiece —it’s a cack!

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